When do I get my clean chit?: Life Hacks by Charles Assisi

I was out last weekend with a couple I am deeply fond of. They are in their 30s, newly married and have an unbridled optimism about their partnership that I have always found heart-warming.

Johnny Bravo in the house?: Come on, we’re not all this guy.

Talking about how they balance personalities, priorities and disagreements, we began to discuss what it means to be a man these days.

The young man went quiet. I know the feeling, of being in somewhat dangerous territory. The young woman voiced stern opinions about toxic masculinity, and I felt like something of a weary veteran, watching from a distance.

My life has been full of conversations with women I love deeply, including my wife and daughters, now-ex-girlfriends and close friends, about how hard it is to be a woman. And it is unspeakably hard. Around the world, girls grow up fighting battles grown men would quaver at. The fight can begin before they’re born.

What causes the weariness in me is the fact that we are often having these conversations with men who aren’t part of the problem.

I am also weary of the blanket statements. “Men are toxic” makes no more sense to me than the blanket statements we fought so hard to move away from: “women are kind”, “women are patient”, “women are sacrificing”. Wasn’t a big part of the argument that individuals ought to be seen for who they are?

I’ve had women who know me intimately accuse me of “being an alpha male”. Did I, as a young man, want to seem like I had it all together; could lead from the front, and take care of things without complaint? I certainly did. I thought that’s what strength meant.

I realised over time that a lot of it was performance; that a more honest life involved embracing a certain degree of vulnerability. I worked to enrich my life, and be a more whole person for those I shared it with: a better partner, a good boss, eventually a worthy parent.

Through it all, I made good choices. I opted for honesty, kindness and decency.

It isn’t easy relearning how to engage with the world and inhabit one’s own skin. A lot of the men in my generation have done it through trial and error, bit by bit.

When this process of evolving (while doing no one else any harm) becomes conflated with toxicity, I believe we end up doing real harm to a vital movement, and trivialising a term that was coined to identify a range of types of cruelty.

Besides which, it is plain unfair. I am growing tired of being considered guilty by default, and having to prove over and over that I am one of the good guys. Worse still, it is now starting to feel like the man who cares, listens, and steps back to make space for someone else is performing too.

To put at least one part of this to rest, I’d like to state clearly that I am not apologetic about being a man. I’m rather proud of it. It is part of who I am. I bring something to the world and reflect where I come from: the women who raised me and the men who taught me grace.

I also believe that certain alpha traits are necessary in the world. To protect, to provide, to lead… that too is care. To do no harm, that is the crucial bit.

None of these are extraordinary ideas, and I am proud of that too. I like being part of a tribe of men who are good in a steady, everyday, unspectacular way.

Do I expect thanks or congratulations? I do not. But it would be nice for each of us to be seen for who we are.

It took me years to learn that manliness can also look like softness, silence, and asking for help. It took me years to figure out how, and with whom, I may lower my shields. Why don’t we all just put the armour down, at least until we need it?

(Charles Assisi is co-founder of Founding Fuel. He can be reached on assisi@foundingfuel.com. The views expressed are personal)